Upstaged, Undermined, Unbothered: Protecting Your Peace in Management
No management textbook prepares you for the employee who makes it their personal mission to challenge you. This isn’t about the occasional disagreement or a minor performance issue. It’s about the direct report who, after months of job hunting or even interviewing for your role and not getting it, now carries that resentment into every 1:1, every meeting, every interaction.
Welcome to the story of my life.
They interrupt in meetings, attempt to upstage you (their manager), and treat every piece of feedback like a personal attack. The immaturity is visible to leadership, but the burden of management falls squarely on you - their leader. For Black leaders especially, the weight of this dynamic feels amplified. There’s no room to “lose it” or react in kind - restraint must be flawless, professionalism bulletproof - while the difficult employee gets to be messy without consequence.
This is the tightrope of managing disgruntled employees while also protecting your peace.
The Root Cause: Ego, Disappointment, and Mismanaged Ambition
When someone interviews for a role, they don’t get or spend months job hunting - it creates a fork in the road. Some accept it, regroup, and recommit to their development. Others turn sour, letting disappointment metastasize into ego and entitlement.
In my experience, the behavior stems from usually one of the 3;
Unmet ambition. They wanted the role so badly that they couldn’t fathom reporting to me.
Fragile ego. Instead of seeing feedback as a gift, they interpret it as an insult.
Identity crisis. They tied their sense of self-worth to a promotion. Without it, they lash out at the person who “took it from them.”
This is human…but it’s also dangerous for team morale. One person’s bitterness can become contagious if not managed carefully.
The Emotional Toll on Leaders of Color
But here’s where race enters the picture. When you’re a person of color in leadership, you don’t get the luxury of being “just the boss.” You’re navigating the workplace with an added layer of scrutiny. Every tone, facial expression, and decision is under the microscope.
For me, that means:
I can’t “clap back” at them in the way they provoke me to. That would be labeled as “aggressive.”
I can’t lean into sarcasm or dismissiveness. That would be read as “unprofessional.”
I can’t even disengage too much, because then I’m “not coaching enough.”
So I carry the burden of being calm, diplomatic, and strategic -while they get to be volatile. The weight of that double standard is exhausting. And this is the part management books rarely talk about: how marginalized leaders must work twice as hard to stay poised while others unravel.
So how do YOU manage the employee who seems hellbent on making your job harder? Here’s what has helped me…and might help you too:
Document Everything.
Don’t rely on memory. Document performance issues, instances of insubordination, and feedback given. Protect your neck.Set Boundaries.
Immature employees thrive on dragging you into emotional back-and-forth. Refuse to play their game. Keep communication professional, concise, and documented in writing when needed.Use Radical Candor.
Sometimes you have to say it plainly: “I’ve noticed you cut me off in meetings. That undermines both of us. It needs to stop.” No fluff, no sugarcoating - just clarity.Escalate When Necessary.
If the behavior continues, loop in HR or your leadership team. Your job is not to be a therapist.Protect the Team.
Don’t let one person’s dysfunction derail the group. Address behavior swiftly so others don’t think it’s acceptable.
Closing Thoughts on Practicing Self-Care in the Midst of Chaos
Managing a difficult direct report is exhausting, which is why self-care isn’t optional…it’s survival. Protecting your peace requires intentional practices: emotional detachment so their behavior doesn’t become a mirror, leaning on mentors and safe spaces for support, creating micro-boundaries like breaks after tough conversations, and reframing the experience as a lesson in leadership resilience. These practices shift the focus from their immaturity to your growth, ensuring you don’t lose yourself in the chaos.
But the real cost isn’t just the employee - it’s the invisible weight leaders carry. We become coaches, therapists, and shields while still being asked to deliver results, and for Black leaders, that toll is compounded by the pressure of perception. We’re constantly navigating stereotypes, managing optics, and surviving spaces never designed for us. That’s why boundaries aren’t just helpful - they’re essential. You don’t have to martyr yourself for someone else’s growth. You don’t have to tolerate disrespect. You can lead with compassion, enforce boundaries, and still prioritize your well-being.
Because the truth is simple: We can’t pour into anyone if we’re burnt out.
Black leadership is already heavy. We can’t afford to let someone else’s immaturity tip us into burnout. Protect your energy, document your receipts, and never forget: you belong in the seat you’ve earned.
Black Don’t Burn Out is my space for unpacking the invisible weight of leadership, especially for Black professionals navigating spaces not designed for us. If this resonated, share it with someone who might need the reminder today.